thedumbopt imist

pt 3

my mom lil bro n i wrnt to a family friends n we brought food for them

we didnt do much at first n i rlly wanted to show
lets just call the older sister athena n the younger one kai

so i wanted to show kai n athena the pics i took lowk n eventually me kai n another kid (lets call him 10 cuz hes 10 years old) who was also there were upstairs but i had to RLLY convince athena to come

so i showed her the photos of where i went. n the beach n the jetty n everything n she lowk found it cool

also icl kai was highk on her phone a lot, all the ppl there were which was lowk sad cuz i wanted to talk n interact

then again kai was facetiming her friend

oh yeh kai n athena have a little sister n they dont like her (the sister is a kindergartener)

the kindergartener sister was on snapchat n she was shoving her moms in our faces n using the filters on us which annoyed 10, she even stepped on 10s leg n i told her to not do that again

i was walking around n i saw that in kais closet there was a guitar (pretty much all the kids were in kais room so i was lowk looking around a bit js cuz i was so bored)

i asked kai if i could play it n she said yes so i played a song on it

highk the guitar was weird
it had only the 3 lower strings (apparently she got the guitar for christmas n at some event ppl messed w it)

it was a shitty first act guitar too so idk where she could even get new strings from

the tuning was weird too

D# F# E
(the F# string was higher pitched than the E string)
highk i needa tab the song i made on it

i was able to improvise something on it lowk which was fun

i lowk looked tuff playing it too
playing that thing was SO fun but i wish i brought a pick

things have been looking up today lets hope tmmrw is even better!!!

random thing but i remember when i was younger i chilled in athenas closet for some reason n i was legit js watching yt vids up there n i wasnt allowed upstairs for some time after that

this is prolly gonna be a really memorable entry icl

this entry is so long i have to intentionally split it in 2 parts...

i had to lowk plan out how to tell this

so to start off...

me n my lil bro had to do community service cuz our school so we were at the girls snackbar (this is prolly gonna be my last time there)
i saw this one girl who im friends w lowk who was doing the shift before me
some guys from the honda san diego came for some reason n they were giving out stuff which was highk unusual (in my years of being at the snackbar thats never happened)
we didnt have hotdogs (as usual) but for some reason there was a hot dog grill which they apparently added last week

i tried calling a friend but it went to voicemail n i didnt realize so i was lowk saying sum crazy stuff abt sum animation i saw of mark from invincible moving his hands like he was gooning in the style of one of those wobble animations (me n my lil bro were lowk tryna imitatee the style of those invicible wobble edits in the snackbar, it was funny af)

also my lil bro always taunts me w this sign that says ABSOLUTELY NO EATING OR DRINKING SNACKBAR FOOD
oh yeah also storytime...

so back during my freshman year

they used to allow us to eat some of the food n there was this guy who knew how to grill (this is prolly like one of the only tiems the grill was running) 
so he was lowk vaping icl n i remember that for some reason there was beer in the fridge
me n the other dudes there were highk js eating the food, we had burgers n hot dogs n shit

i think i only had a hot dog n a crunch bar tbh (i think i may have had a drink too maybe)

that was prolly my first crunch bar

now back to present day

so i was tryna explain this story to the adult at the snackbar (forgot to mention that theres always an adult w the student volunteers in the snackbar)
n meanwhile sum dude was on the phone n talking to himself n it was lowk funny to me n my lil bro cuz he was at the front (the place where u order n he wasnt ordering n i could hear his convo fully, i wasnt rlly paying attention to it tho, he said sum like "u can js wear my pants" to the person on the phone n thats all i can remember, also the dude did end up ordering)

also highk my brother alway be getting on me for stuff like i asked her if she was a parent (cuz i dont wanna tell a staff member that story n my lil bro said it should be obvious shes js a parent)

lowk i gotta thank the honda guys tho cuz one of them came over n wanted sum noodles but then he changed his mind n when the lady who ran the snack bar came over she said that if no one ended up buying them me n my bro could have them (he didnt want them so i ate it all)

also them honda ppl were giving out frisbees, umbrellas n lip balm (the lip balm is vanilla flavored which my lil bro liked so i ran over to the honda ppl to ask if they had more lip balm n also to get another frisbee (cuz we only had one))

on our way driving away, i saw that staples had party city stuff (which i didnt know abt until today)
i lowk joked to my dad abt the honda stuff being worth 1k in 40 years which would be funny if it ended up being true somehow
that just reminded me, id lowk want one of those anti-new coke shirts

oh yeh also i higk need to scroll insta n tiktok less, ill use my bliish n hjonk more
also i needa post on flickr

the san diego honda stuff


the noodles i ate

some days i dont wanna be happy cuz it feels dissonat to the way i feel at the moment (ig thats edgy lowk)

also ngl when i was in middle school i feel like i had the brain of an elementary schooler (cuz i was SO DAMN naïve) n now in hs i feel like i have the mind of a middle schooler

reminds me of how some ppl treat me like im neurodivergent n "other" me

reminds me of when some jackasses friend asked me if he could say the n word n was like "im only gonna use it in a friendly way"
n the jackass was treating me bad too idk he js treated me in a way that it was clear that he saw me as autistic (i think he verbally said that i was autistic or sum along those lines)
(this all happened in the school bathroom btw)

i made back my money n them some (like 10 bucks i think)

highkey the candy barely sold which lowk pmo
1st period ppl were setting up the electric guitars which was cool n we got more pages of sheet music for this one song which is lowk difficult
2nd period was compsci n i lowk got a 69% on some assignment i think
3rd period was bio n we had more testing
4th period was math n were doing statistics

(we already did it sophomore year but apparently were doing it again this school year, were gonna be the last grade to do stats sophomore year.my.teacher said)

at home i studied a bit for the sat

idk why i called them periods, they used that term at my middle school ☠️

i wish i could know a person fully n i knew a person who i could ask (almost) anything
like nothings too personal n were js extremely close but we respect each others boundaries obvs
like theyd js tell me everything n id tell them everything
if i had someone like that i prolly wouldnt post here as much n like no one reads this anyway
this blog really shouldnt exist

thank you for reading this btw

like i js wanna share my secrets w someone (except the really bad ones)
n me n that person would have a whole world of experiences and stories that only we know about 

one time i complained about being single on my notes like a chud n an acquaintance dmed me about it n i was afraid of interacting w him after that but highkey it was never mentioned irl



oh yeh my freshman friend group highk fractured n i js remembered that
i wish i still had a friend group lowk


also i realized im afraid of dying cuz of wut happens afterward n the afterlife even though i dont rlly value my.life TOO much if that makes sense

trigger warning: mention of self harm


oh yeh also i used to be in sped when i was younger (i was rlly hyperactive n couldnt sit down n i was blunt)the main point is that i want something to be wrong cuz itd give me closure that there was something different about me n that this was isnt js normal n how its supposed to be

n also maybe i can take meds to fix me and be normal
also if this is just how normal ppl feel then why do i feel like shit a lot of the time n why cant i connect well

maybe im js a loser then

i remembered seeing something that was like talking abt how u can free urself by giving up on wanting to be loved
idk how to do that tho

also i still think the guy who i have/had? a crush on is cute n if he wanted me ig i wouldnt mind but im not gonna do anything n im somewhat alr w bring friends or rlly ive accepted it

theres this one girl who i asked for her phone number freshman year (meant it platonically n didnt realize how it came off i apologized as soon n someone pointed it out (someone said W RIZZ or something like that))
i think shes pretty but were also not rlly friends

i wish i had a bff but maybe i do have one n i dont realize

also during lunch i played guitar n tested a sound system thing,

i MAY be doing a music performance at my school

i needa cuddle w someone who will make me as pretty n sweet as they are
i wanna express myself
i rlly wanna wear my hypothetical partners clothes and i want them to think im cute n kissable n desirable

im so sweaty rn
cant believe i got to school on time

i walked from target to school n back

spent like $50
i hope i make my money back

lowk on my way walking back some dude in a red car said he could drive me to school n that hes an uber driver n i didnt get in cuz he sounded suspicious n like idk i js got bad vibes from him, he turned around js to ask me that it looked like n he got close to me

to elaborate idk wut adult would take that risk n take time out of their day to pick up some random kid so yeh

i wish i had more friends who dressed cool n were unique n stuff cuz i wanna lowk talk to them about their style or maybe its js me wanting a new experience
maybe i wanna live vicariously through them ig

i dont think i like me
also i wish i had an app i could ask for advice w life or something like a situation calculator

if i did have one itd be amazing

school was alr, i think i needa prioritize the connections i alr have

i miss my fidget spinner idk where it is, it helped distract me n stuff n calm me
i wish i wasnt so anxious

i wanna hug someone whose pretty n maybe ill feel pretty that way

maybe theyll dress me up in stuff n ill look dumb

i think i yearn for connection but idk how to like do it (esp irl)

i feel like everyone dresses so cool (the alt ppl at my school i mean) n i wish i was as cool as them
i prolly idealize them but i do wish i was a pretty girl w friends who were also girls n we did cool fun stuff together but im not that

im so awkward its depressing it prolly makes ppl the mosr uncomfy i wish i could get over it i wish i had a bff irl n stuff


oh yeah back to school tho it was fine i made some sales w the snacks (im gonna buy more tmmrw)

guitar was alr, im getting better w the parts
compsci were doing khan academy stuff
bio were doing english testing n were gonna have to write an essay </3 math we were able to do test review but i got a 95% (ToT) ngl i dont think i woud fit into an alt subculture ig logically i could be scene cuz thatd not rlly abt the music looking it up apparently grunge IS a subculture? lowk i needs listen to some more twee

today i forgot to turn on my alarm so i woke up late by mistake n my dad yelled but i dont blame him cuz thats my bad

i lowk think i may have turned it off while i was tired n went back to bed

when i woke up i was still tjred tho n i had a strange dream where my family friends moved to this weird hospital hotel looking thing n it had grey walls n stuff


yeh strange...

(i spelled gray grey by mistake lowk)

guitar was kinda sad in a way cuz we have this thing where we rate songs n say if theyre good or not n ppl were making fun of the songs n its been going on for some time so my teacher got annoyed n cancelled it n i cant rlly blame him


also came up w a chord progression

Bbmaj7-Gsus2

i was sick today

imma have to study for the sat more tho i think i convinced my parents to not make me study an hour each day

i feel like somethings wrong n that i only like ppl when they do what i want and maybe i cannot tolerate differences of opinion


i played missed messages whole my family was out shopping (i stayed home cuz i was sick)
the character may in that game self harms n in the worst ending she hangs herself n that lowk made me realize that i need to connect w ppl while i can but idk how

i was thinking about how scary dying is n how when you cease idk wut happens

i hope there is an afterlife but if there isnt thats rlly scary esp for people who were murdered and had their lives cut short


ngl its interesting how even though a person dies,
they can still have an impact and live on in memories and slices of themselves seen by others
ik this has been said before but idk

i havent personally lost anyone so i cant really relate to the feeling but i see how bad it is

also for some reason i remembered playing stranger things on a fire stick tv
n also how i bricked a fire stick by trying to install google play store

also i was thinking about how i wanna hug someone and make them feel ok and make me feel ok and if theyre struggling theyll just cry into my arms or maybe i cry into their arms

either way were both connected

idgaf if someone says im obligated or anything im not doing it either way
i want to hbae peace and they could never give me that and i dont wanna be around the people who made me feel so small when i was younger its why i hate hierarchies now


id wanna be on equal footing w most just so i can feel non subhuman

i dont rlly have a community ngl n ik there are good reasons im not in one n also why im single

i wonder when ill be willing to throw my life away i wish i had someone to ask for advice at random times anonymously without further consequences

if i do end up dying before my time i do not want my parents to be at my funeral

also my mom has this weird obsession w popping the pimples on me n my brothers faces n i hate it n im tired of her doing that and pointing them out

reminds me of my parents being mad i dont wanna play guitar for them unless i want to and how its a "talent" (its not, its a skill i LEARNED)
they were also yapping about how they can give criticism n stuff n help me how i cant do things alone n we need each other n some bullshit about how "were family we have to be there for each other we love you the most unlike OUTSIDERS why are you helping them n not US share with us"

its like they want to suck the lifeblood out of me

i want to not need them

my dad was like "if i take the guitar u cant play anymore, I BOUGHT IT FOR U"
yes but it doesnt mean anything w u saying that i still dont owe u my playing its a hobby i do for FUN

i want to cut them off
i want dignity
i want to be truly loved

i hope i dont end up being too needy in a relationship
i wish someone wanted me n js told me