thedumbopt imist

i was sick today

imma have to study for the sat more tho i think i convinced my parents to not make me study an hour each day

i feel like somethings wrong n that i only like ppl when they do what i want and maybe i cannot tolerate differences of opinion


i played missed messages whole my family was out shopping (i stayed home cuz i was sick)
the character may in that game self harms n in the worst ending she hangs herself n that lowk made me realize that i need to connect w ppl while i can but idk how

i was thinking about how scary dying is n how when you cease idk wut happens

i hope there is an afterlife but if there isnt thats rlly scary esp for people who were murdered and had their lives cut short


ngl its interesting how even though a person dies,
they can still have an impact and live on in memories and slices of themselves seen by others
ik this has been said before but idk

i havent personally lost anyone so i cant really relate to the feeling but i see how bad it is

also for some reason i remembered playing stranger things on a fire stick tv
n also how i bricked a fire stick by trying to install google play store

also i was thinking about how i wanna hug someone and make them feel ok and make me feel ok and if theyre struggling theyll just cry into my arms or maybe i cry into their arms

either way were both connected

today was mid my dad wants me to study an hour for the sat n it's june 2nd n i straight up dont wanna do the sat atp cuz i dont wanna be stressed like that i js want peace and i told him that the recommend studying for an hour but he was like "but what did we talk about"

atp i need a new family

or something to make me unable to function

ik thats overdramatic nut theres no reasoning w my family its fruitless n a waste of time thats why i try.to let them into my life as little as possible

i regret considering that the sat may be good im gonna be wasting an hour each day when i could be doing other stuff n i js wanna relax

i js need peace and no one like my parents in control of my life my mom esp is not normal in the head and ik this well

school was alr i wish i made more snack sales
we had a test abt science (state testing)

also i wish i could move but ik wherevee i go to ill be seen as a foreigner & american or african and none of those bode well for me and i dont want to be seen as a foreigner and i dont wanna give anyone the opportunity to call me one or to make me feel inferior like that its my least favorite feeling it hurts me the most i never want to be small

also learning a new language will be difficult and tiring and i dont wanna put in the effort just to be foreign

i already get enough shit from my parents for being american n they say im nigerian or american depending on the situation n atp id rather just be american straight up cuz i realized i dont rlly wanna be around nigerians who were raised in nigeria n everything

its not even worth it to learn yoruba just to be a second class yoruba person esp since im trans n im tired of it so i give up they can all enjoy being real nigerians n ill be whatever the fuck i am i just dont wanna be around for my parents when im older and